When I was pregnant with my son, I didn’t have a worry in the world. I knew the number of miscarriages were high, but I never thought it would happen to me. My pregnancy went great, and after 9 months delivered a healthy baby boy.
When my husband and I started trying for Baby # 2, I expected the situation to be similar; get pregnant quickly, carry for nine months, and deliver. After a few months of “trying” we got a positive pregnancy test. We were ecstatic, and quickly told my close friends and family. We quickly started planning our new addition to the family.
When I was almost 6 weeks pregnant, I miscarried. I was devastated, and didn’t understand how it could happen to us. Thats when doubt started setting in. What if I will never be able to get pregnant? Why is my body rejecting pregnancy? As hard as I tried to be positive about it, as each month passed, I put more and more pressure on myself.
After a few months of trying, I realized I had to stop my obsession, because that’s what it turned in to. I decided that if it was meant to be, it would be. And guess what, I got pregnant the following month.
My husband and I were very happy, but this time it was different. We were both hesitant about getting too excited just in case. Feelings we never had the first two times. We decided to wait a bit longer to tell friends and family. After I passed the 6 week mark, I started feeling a bit better, knowing that we were a week further along etc.
At 7 weeks, we told our close friends and family, and it finally felt real. A few days later, I had some bleeding. I flashed back to a few months earlier and was instantly preparing for the worst. I figured this was the start of a miscarriage. After a few days, nothing happened, a few more, nothing. Everyone reassured me that everything was fine, and that I should stop worrying. Problem was, I had experienced that first miscarriage so I couldn’t stop comparing it to that time in my life. Plus I never bled with my first pregnancy. Something isn’t right.
I had to wait a few weeks before seeing my Midwife. I googled everything possible, which drove me crazy. Finally at 9 weeks, I had my first appointment. I was hoping my midwife would try and find a heart beat so that I would have some solid evidence that the baby was okay. Of course, I was still early along so she asked that we wait until our next appointment. After talking about my situation we decided to get an ultrasound. I felt a bit better but again was expecting the worst.
I didn’t hear a word the technician said, and didn’t dare look at the screen. This is where she is going to tell me the bad news. My husband squeezed my hands in a reassuring everything is okay way, and I glanced at the screen, just in time to see our baby. Tears streamed down my face as all my fears washed away. Everything was going to be okay.
On the way home, I talked to my husband about my feelings. I explained, had I not had the miscarriage a few months prior, I would have never gotten this worked up. It was hard to be happy when I knew things could change instantly.
Since that ultrasound I have been feeling much better emotionally. Every cramp scares me still, but as my pregnancy progresses my fear diminishes a bit. I don’t think I will ever be stress-free like my first pregnancy, but I have learned to manage it. My husband is great at listening and reassuring me when doubt creeps in.
I have realized that there are some things that are out of my control. Instead of fixating on the negative, and the what if’s, I chose to be positive. I want to create an environment for my unborn baby that is stress-free, and healthy, and we anxiously await his/her arrival in a few months.
Have you had similar feelings during your pregnancy? What did you do to alleviate the stress? What advice do you have for someone going through it?