Baby Loss [Guest Blog Post by Julie Nowell]

In the spring of 2012 Julie & her family hit rock bottom. They finally realized, after years of dreaming, that it was time to leap. 6 months later they have moved to a small island in BC from their home in Vancouver, quite their jobs and re-focussed their life on their kids. Julie’s blog “Pursuit of Happyness” follows their journey, shares their stories as they face their fears and redefine success for themselves.

I am 38 and have three healthy kids. They are getting older now, out of the baby stage and darn close to preteen.

They are my everything. They make me laugh so hard I pee. They also make me dance so hard I pee (fallout from 3 pregnancies).
They make me angry, angrier than I can believe. And they worry me, every day, every moment, every breath.

The worry started at conception. The fear every time you went to the bathroom . . . the fear of red. The worry – is it cramp or did I have one peanut butter cup too many? It starts right away, and it never stops.

Yes, I have three healthy kids . . . beaming, bouncing and utterly wonderful healthy kids.

But, I almost had four.

It was pregnancy number 3. We had tried for 18 months and finally got our wish. The two older girls were thrilled and I was mentally preparing myself for another round of vomiting and weight gain. I did everything the same. . . and I wasn’t worried.

I mean, I had two healthy kids. My body knew how to grow babies. I rock this whole thing (I mean, come on, my first two kids were adorable!)

And then . . .

Yes, and then.

It was an early miscarriage (thank goodness) but I didn’t find out until 14 weeks. And everything was still “in there” . . . waiting for I don’t know what.

My Dr. wanted to be sure, very sure that that little un-beating heart really was an un-beating heart.

I appreciate that . . . but the wait, it was horrible.

For 2 more weeks I waited . . . more ultrasounds, hours of google-ing, praying, wishing, crossing our fingers and begging.

And yes . . . it was definitely an un-beating heart.

I had lost weight over the 2 weeks. I felt like I was being held back from recovering, mentally, physically, emotionally. I needed closure.

It took another week and me storming (teary eyed and frantic) into my Dr’s office and demanding a D&C. . . I used horrible words that day (something about having a dead baby in my body for over 3 weeks) and I caused a scene. I shouted. I needed action and I needed it now.

But I couldn’t wait any longer. I needed to move forward, I needed to progress, I needed to start the path to healing.

I went in the next day for the D&C.

It didn’t fix anything, but it did allow me to move on. We acknowledged our little loss and we started to heal. I, never a runner, learned to run. I was angry at my body, very angry, and running caused it pain and forced it into submission.

A short few months later we were pregnant again. My fear was even more heightened than ever. My Dr (bless him) told me that the biggest concern for the baby during pregnancy is mom’s state of mind. He sent me for anything that would appease my fear, and a healthy baby boy was born.

I don’t pine our loss anymore. We lived it, we named it and we let it be what it was. We allowed it to move on. . . we let that baby go and we embraced our future. I don’t worry about who that baby would have been, because I know we have the family we are supposed to have and I appreciate what I learned about life, my children and myself by experiencing what I did.

And now . . .everything is as it should be .

Just a simple mom, running a simple blog and trying to change the world…
Seriously… trying to change the world, one mom at a time!
I live hard, work hard & play…well, hard! I have 3 kiddies
(girls aged 6&9, and boy age 3)
Check Out Julies blog at www.julienowell.com